Drinking all the moisture from the air.. I am so dry..
Let me get a sip of what you want me to say.. I am so thirsty..

Friday, November 26, 2010

I felt you in my legs, before I even met you.

Lost Realist.

Growing up I've always felt very incomplete. I haven't felt fully complete until lastnight/all hours of this morning. Standing there in her bedroom basically naked holding signs of need/want/completion. It was 1am. Sorry about that. You fell asleep in my arms.. I tried to talk but just a nervous squeak exited my mouth.. You stirred a little as I was trying to move. Asking if I was ok, I replied with a "yes, I just need to do something".. You were quite worried but let me up.. As I exited your room, running frantically naked around your house to find some sort of writing device and paper. I found your sharpie and a note pad. Holding the sharpie in my hands, I had to take deep breaths to stop my hands from shaking. Even my breathing was affected and I could hardly stand. Pressing pen to paper I nervously wrote these words.. "So I've actually never done this before but..." and on the next piece of paper writing "But will you be my umm.. urmm.. Girlfriend.. Please <3".. I was so reluctant to come back into your bedroom, but this just had to happen.
From the moment I laid eyes on you, my world had come to a complete stop. My first words being completely hopeless but they made you smile. Who would think someones first words to you would be "If you were a burger at McDonalds, you would be a McGorgeous!".. Fuck yes I'm charming as fuck. Thanks Tenn for doing this to me =D.
We spent all day together. I know from the moment our eyes met, there was something there. After leaving you that night, you were the only thing on my brain.. you still are the only thing on my brain. Feeling your hands on my skin and your lips connect to mine.. You tell me I'm beautiful and I actually believe you. You make me feel perfect in your arms. You make me feel like the only person in this world. It's hard to breathe when I'm around you because you take the breath from my lungs. My heart beats so hard and my world spins.
It's been nearly 7 months since the day we met. My feelings grow larger for you everyday.. and who would think I would be standing basically naked at the front of your bedroom door, holding paper signs asking you to be my girlfriend..
I opened your door and walked in.. Switching on the light I stood there holding the first sign up.. You're laying there covering your eyes from the light, but I just stood there silently holding the sign waiting for you to look up.. You turn your head and look at me, reading the first sign.. I see a little smirk on your face.. I drop the sign and show you the next..
You're smile lit up my heart as you nodded your head and basically jumped into my arms.

Last night, You completed me.
Thank you.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Use me to use you.

Its hard to trust a stranger
You're a stranger to yourself
So who's to blame
Drown away emotion
As you numb yourself from any real

There's nothing more real
And nothing's what it seems
We're always caught in between
There's nothing left to feel
But still you can not leave
You don't know what you need

I know that you use me to use you
I know that you use me to use you
I know that you use me to use you
To use you

Loneliness a ritual
The walls you build around us feel
Silence is always comfortable
Is this the only reason that you

There's nothing more real
And nothing's what it seems
We're always caught in between
There's nothing left to feel
But still you cannot leave
You don't know what you need

I know that you use me to use you
I know that you use me to use you
I know that you use me to use you
I know that you use me!

Feel your arms around me
Wondering where this will go
I feel your arms around me
Will you ever want this like i do

I know that you use me to use you
I know that you use me to use you
I know that you use me to use you
I know that you use me!

I know that you use me to use you
I know that you use me to use you
To use you
To use you
To use you.....

Someone take these handcuffs off my wrists, and break the chain of habit.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I'd like to rip you out of your skin, I'd switch us around and put you back in


If there was ever a time that I needed help.. I think it is now, and I am very much not afraid to ask for it.

Have you ever felt that feeling of complete utter loneliness, but you're surround by a thousand people?
I have. This is how I'm currently feeling. My phone keeps buzzing as my friends text me to check up on me and let me know how much they love me. But I still feel very much alone. I must sound selfish or stupid or whatever but just knowing I don't have my family to call and just hear them say they love me. This feels like the missing piece of my life, and I'm not dealing very well with it. I miss the times as a child of being able to be free. The family dinners where the TV would be switched off and we would discuss our days. I know I was young but I had a voice, and I wasn't afraid to speak about how fun school was and how much I had learnt. I miss the days where my brother and I would lay around for hours and just mess about. I would cry and he would hold me tight in his arms and tell me how much he loves me. The last time I heard those words come from his mouth first was when I was 8 years old. I remember the times when I was a child my dad would stand at the bottom of the 15 stair high stair case.. call out to me and I would run and jump from the top and land safely in his arms. We'd do this at least 5 times a day and cause my mother to have at least 5 heart attacks each time she saw me jump. I miss the days that my dad would stub his toe.. It would bleed and I would run down clean it up for him and put band aids on it and tell him it would be better in no time.

I miss the days my mum would stay up with me all night because I was deathly afraid of the dark. She would hold me until I'd close my eyes and I would wake in the morning with her still holding me close to her heart. I'd suffer terrible nightmares and I remember everytime before I fell asleep she would cuddle me and say "go away bad dreams.. leave my lily alone". Thank you mum.. I still repeat this everytime I go to sleep.

Andrew - I wish you never started doing drugs. I hate the fact that we lost our relationship of brother and sister to the fact that you can't control your addiction. I am not your personal boxing bag so please.. I wish you could see and congratulate me on the successful young women I have become today. Seeing you put these substances into your body and becoming the man you are definitely not completely breaks my heart. I want to see you smile like you did when we were younger. I want to hear your laugh without a drug having to produce it. I want to hear you tell me you love me, and would do anything to help my chin stay high.

Mum, when you left I was terrified. I know you're in my life.. But right now is the time I really need a mum hug.. I love you and despite our differences, you've always seen through them and accepted me for me.

I don't want to even start with you Dad. But please, stay far far away from me and my life. I tried everyday of my life to make you proud, but obviously I'm not good enough. I hope you enjoy your life without me.
Thank you for giving me the knowledge of knowing blood is not thicker then water. Family is not glue, it will not stick together.

I want to feel like I've made people proud in my life. But all I ever seem to feel like is a large failure. This day is hard. So fucking hard. But I will push through. I will accomplish the things I want to do with my life. I will stand tall and become the successful person I wish to become.
I am me. I laugh, I smile, I make my own decisions. I hate drugs, I will not try them to make you or anyone happy. I work hard but play harder. I watch cartoons in my underwear and eat milo from the tin. I can prance around like an idiot and not care what you think.
But if you hurt me. I am gone.
My eyes show the truth. I am not happy. I need change and some sort of invisibility cape.
I just want more happy family dinner. Please.

"I'd like to rip you out of your skin, I'd switch us around and put you back in"

Monday, November 22, 2010

One a day and a million to pay.

So I'm going to start posting a photo of myself every single day for 365days.. I may or may have not stolen this idea off of Tenn but you know.. whatevs. Also in the photo I will try and create an image of how I feel on said day. So here goes. Photo number 1. Enjoy my face fuckers!
I am yours. (23.11.2010)

Just some poems and random writings.

I wrote these.. So please don't steal them.

Crack my knuckles one by one.
Starting from my pinky, then head towards my thumb.
Sitting on a wooden chair, In the corner of the room. A light flickering in the distance showing the residue of blood and mould left on the broken tiles on the walls in the room.
My breathing is the only sound piercing through the silence of nothing. The cracking of my joints echoing down the halls as I struggle to move off this chair.
There's something keeping me here. Not chains, nor ropes or even cuffs. But something much stronger then the three combined. Is it will power or just me being stubborn. I cannot move, yet I can still breathe. The air in here may not be fresh, crisp or clean, But I am breathing and I am very much alive.
My head feels like it will explode and paint these walls in words. Letters falling from the ceiling and forming sentences on the cold, wet and dark concrete floor. The now freshly made sentences working together shuffle towards each other and make short stories. Stories of a life and how much everyone and everything has made such a difference.
My eyes skimming through the stories as I start to agree with everything written, until I realise these stories are my own.

Glancing back and forth, sentence after sentence after sentence appearing on the walls, on the floor and even on the roof. My thoughts unraveling and filling the room up. A word search of my life, made up of paragraphs and short stories.

After reading my stories I start to realise my place in this world. Why I was created, why I was placed here and why I can make a difference to you, to them and to everyone.
My words slowly clearing off the walls as I become more familiar with the whys and buts of the hiccups within my life. Slowly the air becomes much cleaner and the stains clearing off the tiles. The light turns off as I sit in blackness. I am calm and still alive. I run my fingers over my scars and feel them disappear. They aren't aching anymore, and neither is my heart. I'm still surrounded by blackness and silence. I can hear my heart thump blood around my veins. The sound of my heart beat forms a rhythm in the room. My breathing in perfect timing. I am calm, I am alive.
The grip holding me down on the seat is slowly loosening, as I shuffle about to find an exit. I am not afraid.
My eyes adjusting to the darkness, I can see clearly now. There are no more stains left on the walls, Just pearly white tiles.
The cement has turned to Polished wood floors. I see a light switch dangling above my head. I pull it. The light is bright and hurts my eyes but now I can see. I can breathe. I am me.
So as I Crack my knuckles one by one.
Starting from my pinky, then head towards my thumb. I finally feel released and can leave this thought filled room.


Stepping closer towards you, I feel my chest get tight.
My breathing getting deeper, All I want is to hold you tonight.
You touch my skin, as it sends ripples of tingles throughout my body.
Pulling you closer towards me, all I want to feel is your touch.
I want to feel your heart beat with mine.
I want to feel your touch on my skin, and breathe you in.
I will give you anything you need.
I will be anything you want.
I will hold you tight, if you need to be held.
Or let you go, if you need some time to heal.
I will kiss your lips, and tell you everything will be better.
I will take you anywhere, or no where if that's what you wanted.
and if I could give you the world, then I would.
I want to keep our memories together, so no one can take that from me.
You've lit up a candle close to my heart, and now I can feel again.
I don't know what it is about you, But I know that it hurts when you're not with me.
Breathe me in deeper. Hold me close.
I am fragile. You fix me.
Hold my heart. keep me safe and tell me you feel the same.
Or is this just a dream?


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hospital Visits

So most of you know I've been quite sick lately. Besides getting my appendix removed last year because an awol piece of poo had taken home on it and making it sick, the doctors decided to remove it. Key hole surgery it was. I was very much scared.. Apparently you recover quite quickly from keyhole surgery but my body did a huge fuck you. With the doctors nipping my bladder by accident and me having to have a canular shoved up my pee hole.. My right lung decided to partially colapse. I was in hospital for 3 weeks with epic body fail.
I then returned to hospital 6 months later to be notified of the fact that my appendix had a 8mm carcinoid tumor on it. I was petrified at the fact that I had cancer, and more worried that the cancer was large enough to have spread. So after countless tests and hospital visits they've also come to the conclusion I have Carcinoid Syndrome. Google it. I'm not going to die. I'm currently cancer free but get tests every 6 months for the rest of my life to keep checking. Amongst these visits I was recently hospitalised again.. and by recent I mean I just left the hospital yesterday after being there for nearly a week.
Conclusion? I'm not actually just full of "shit" I have a Hernia behind my belly button, a cyst on my left kidney and apparently an issue with the bile duct in my liver. I go back in next week for surgery. Wish me luck =)
Here are some happy snaps of hospital visits. Enjoy.


I had my own ENSUITE

Gazing being extremely bored.

The girl of my dreams, trying to blow up the world.

My Button.. Good times.

Hospital lunch.. You can see how fresh and not canned the chicken is.

This was sent from Jet.. all the way from Melbourne to my bed. xx


We actually were in Tenns Vagina.

People die here.


How exciting

Some images of my life

With my Papou

Safety First

Glad we look like trailor trash

There's a fairy within everyone

I got a "My first fax machine".. yay..

Sailor love

Apparently I still dance the same

We'll fight ya!

Traditional Greek Dress


Me in September 2009

March 2009 - Just after break up with Girl #4

I know how to party


Angsty 14yr old.

The nut shell I call my life.

So here goes, this is all me in a large hopefully oddly shaped nutshell.
Where do I start.. ok from the beginning, I was born on the 30th of November, 1987.. This could more or less make me the creation of a valentines baby.. Stupid frisky parents.
I live in a house with a maze of rooms with one other person.. Who happens to be my ex girlfriend.. Which makes things quite interesting considering we do try to kill each other at least 7 times a day.
This also makes me gay. I came out to my parents when I was 12yrs old.. It was possibly one of the hardest days of my life. I haven't been very close with my parents, but I knew they were quite open minded.. So I took a hard deep breath called my mum into the kitchen, told her I wanted to tell her something and grabbed my girlfriend and just started kissing her.. After indulging in the kiss my mothers reply was.. "Duh.. we knew from the day you were born".
Thanks mum, you could've given me some sort of we already know you're a homo so hurry up and come out heads up.

So my life growing up was a little all over the place. I have one older brother who is 4 years older then me and I guess my most unforgettable memory of him is the countless times he has hung my favourite teddy from a noose in my bedroom and left it there for me to see on my arrival home from school.
Or the time he hid under my bed whilst I was trying to sleep and me stepping off the bed, him grabbing my ankles and reefing me down whilst a set of drawers cushioned my face on the way down.
Thanks bro for giving me an irrational fear of stepping off beds.

I was born in Gladstone (Happyrock, Gladwrap, Glad2Bstoned, Gladdy, The G rock and so on and so forth) it's a nice place.. Well a nice place to grow up and grow old in, that's what I've always said anyway. When I was quite little we moved to a farm in a small town about 30 minutes from Gladstone called Ambrose. It was tiny. When I say tiny I mean.. very tiny.. Like your neighbors would bring around cookies and be all up in your business and all round nosey. I did however gain some very good friends.. The kind of friends you meet when you're 4 years old and still know and speak to when you're both nearly 23 years old.. it's kind of like a friend marriage.
So I went to this tiny school called Ambrose State School.. It was cute and there was about 30 other kids who went there.. This meaning our classes were basically all connected and we were learning way above our year level. We all actually became child geniuses.. well not really but that would have been exciting. Basically as soon as you hit Year 5 you would leave and go to a larger Primary School so you can learn more.
I didn't want to leave but we had to.. mainly because I had chronic asthma and was on a nebuliser pretty much my whole life there. That sucked huge balls.
I guess the thing I missed most was being in the middle of nowhere and being able to ride motorbikes, tip cows, camp out, chase chickens and jump naked on a trampoline all in my backyard. Those were the days.
So we moved to Gladstone.. My brother and I basically became inseparable and despite the age difference and the fact that I was a girl, we would do everything together.. more like twins..
We'd dress the same, have matching ninja turtle outfits, fight 'crime' together, eat together, sit together and skate together. It was great fun. He then hit highschool and on that day I lost my bestfriend. He never wanted anything to do with me, so I decided being the 8yr old mature adult like I was, to become Miss Independent.
And that I did. I started doing everything for myself and building myself up to the person I have become today.
Even went to all my hockey and judo tournaments alone so I knew I could do it all for myself.
My family wasn't ever really that close.. but we were close enough to know we were a family. It's still funny though that they don't know my first kiss was with the girl who lived down the road.. We were both 10.. or the log down crossing the river in the bush track was where I took all my little boyfriends and have crazy make out sessions with before I even hit some stage of puberty. Sorry Mum. hah!
I started highschool whilst being in my first lesbian relationship.. It was an internet friendship that bloomed to my first love.. She lived 5 hours away but we dated on and off for basically 3 years.. We'd catch trains to each other and stay with each other over school holidays and such.. It ended quite abruptly and my heart was torn to shreds. But I now know hearts mend and people disappear quite easily!
I got quite depressed in highschool but still managed to be that odd child with a cheeky grin who always laughed. I made plenty of friends and I'm pretty sure everyone in ye' ole Gladwrap knew who I was. I did help the community out alot as well.
The day came and I found a new girlfriend.. We dated for about a year.. she scared me a little so I did what any lesbian would do.. and run away.. far far away.. Best idea ever.
But before I ran away it was time for my 18th birthday.. It was pretty crap.. my parents decided to break up on that day and my mum moved to Greece. So I decided the best way to deal was to get wasted.. and by wasted.. i mean.. Holey crap where am I.. what is this stamp from.. why are you in my bed? where are my clothes.. why is my best friend naked on the couch with some random.. and why the fuck can't i stop spewing kinda wasted.. I know you've all been there.. don't judge me. Thanks.
2 days later I packed a bag, my guitar and my TV and moved to Brisbane. The only person who knew was my father. Who so happened had to drive me here. Thanks Dad. That's possibly the best thing he has ever done for me.
So it was 2005 and I was living quite happily in Brisbane. I got a transfer from my KFC in Gladstone to the one in Clayfield and was able to live happily. The week after I moved to Brissie it was a Friday night and my friends decided to take me out to my first ever gay bar.. I wanted to go to the Beat but apparently it was a scary place so they took me to The Wickham.
The Wickham was odd. Lots of men kissing men.. men kissing "women" and pool playing lesbians..  This being such an overwhelming experience since I've never actually been in this environment, I decided to move close to an exit and sit in a dark corner.. To where I was greeted by a middle aged Transvestite called "Pearl". Pearl then introduced herself by cornering me and yelling quite abruptly in my face "HI! I'm Pearl! Do you any pills?" Me being shocked and highly against drugs, I replied with "Umm... I have panadol but.. but that's at home.." Pearl being the diva she was, flicked her hair back and stormed off..
I left The Wickham in a large rush.
That night I agreed to never be cornered by a transvestite in a dark corner of a gay bar ever again.

One week later I decided to bite the bullet and head to The Beat. So without any hesitations I bought a cask of the finest goon drank myself silly and headed to The Beat. I don't know why I did that night but I decided to wear 2 different shoes.. Same type but different colours. It was odd but I was drunk so whatever goes, goes right?
The Beat was amazing girls everywhere. I nearly died. Happy hour drinks, girls, music, dancing, girls, drinks, girls, drinks and toilet breaks. I stayed until the early hours of the morning  and whilst being kicked out the sun was beginning to rise.
Best night out ever, I'd say.. but there was plenty more of those to come. I also endured my first random hook up kiss. She even drove me home. Thanks Merran. We're now actually really close friends. Thanks Mez x.
So with new found friends and a new found love of The Beat I started partying every weekend. The hangovers suck and the "coyote uglies" sucked more but you know.. it was an experience.
I started hanging out a heap at Open Doors as well. Which is a GLBT youth centre. We would meet there every Wednesday for drop in, and hang out with other homos, bisexuals and trans kids. This place soon became my ultimate hangout spot besides The Beat. I also met girlfriend #3. She was a couple of years younger then me but we still found lust. Becoming street punks, drinking beer, flipping the bird to coppers and being drunk in the city was the thing we did best. We were together for a year.. We even had our very own studio appartment. We also had a very messy break up. But alas. Hearts mend.
I was living in the Valley at this stage and started partying alot. Punk gig after punk gig, beer after beer.. then work.
I thought I was living the high life.. well I was. Except I wasn't a rockstar of any sort. One can dream though yeah. So I moved from the Valley and moved into an appartment with a couple of friends. This place shares some amazing memories and drunken escapades.
Like walking to the pub and being to drunk to get home after kareoke and getting a taxi.. the taxi would cost $5.30 to get home with a flagfall of $5.00.. We used to love annoying the cab drivers. Sorry guys but we were way wasted.
Within all this partying and frequently visiting the Valley I got girlfriend #4. We were together for 2.5 years and developed a little life together. The girl is now actually the housemate to whom we try and kill each other. Our times were very rough and odd and typical lesbian relationship like. If you have no idea what a lesbian relationship is like Youtube *The big gay sketch show - lesbian speed dating* this will kind of show you what it's like being a lesbian without having to go through it.
We grew apart and I packed my stuff and decided to move to the Gold Coast. I have no idea why but all I know is that one of my dearest most close friends was there and let me camp on the floor in her room. She mended my wounds and gave me amazing spoons and I will always treasure her. Okay fuck it. I love you Tenn. Thank you for everything. Even the herpes. shit.. maybe not the herpes.. okay i'm lying. I am actually herpes free.
I guess the best thing about living on the Coast of Gold was that I lived on the beach. Many nights were spent out there with my guitar writing music and singing to the sea and or serenading the junkies hiding in the bush looking for needles.
Here I found some more amazing friends. People I will always keep close to my heart.. I also found The Bedroom Nightclub.. Which had ladies night on Thursday nights. Do you know what this means? no? want me to tell you? ok ok.. here goes..
Free mother fucking drinks. FREE DRINKS! ALL NIGHT! and the bar chicks were HOT.. like not just hot. but like HOT! like "I am.. getting so hot, I'm going to take my clothes off" hot.. Seriously.. Hot. Especially Bec.. I think that's her name.. Shit sorry I'm getting sidetracked.. So yeah.. free drink Thursdays. It was a straight bar so we would conjure up a heap of dykes head there, get wasted then head to MP's which was the local gay club there. We would party til the morning then figure out ways to get home. It was quite fun. These times I will never forget.
I also met Girlfriend #5. She to was a little younger then me, but we partied hard. Good times.. We grew apart and besides all the party times my health had hit a low. We grew apart.. But hey.. Hearts heal. I moved back to Brisbane as it was a trek to get to work for the GC..

So here I am.. sitting on my couch which I'm afraid to relax on because I'm scared of falling through the couch as it is that old.
It's 8 days before my 23rd Birthday. I've met some amazing people and discovered some awesome freaking porn. I've gone to the best gigs and partied with the best. There is also someone here I'm holding so close to my heart. Also close friends are locked away in my heart because they've been there for me through the most. I very much love you all. You know the medical dramas and have supported me. Seen my arse crack, helped me pee when I couldn't even get out of my hospital bed, kissed my scars and held me when I've felt like falling. For this I thank you. You're the reason I'm here today.

I'll also start a photo blog. There you'll see how I became me.