Drinking all the moisture from the air.. I am so dry..
Let me get a sip of what you want me to say.. I am so thirsty..

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

If there was ever a time that I needed help.. I think it is now, and I am very much not afraid to ask for it.

Have you ever felt that feeling of complete utter loneliness, but you're surround by a thousand people?
I have. This is how I'm currently feeling. My phone keeps buzzing as my friends text me to check up on me and let me know how much they love me. But I still feel very much alone. I must sound selfish or stupid or whatever but just knowing I don't have my family to call and just hear them say they love me. This feels like the missing piece of my life, and I'm not dealing very well with it. I miss the times as a child of being able to be free. The family dinners where the TV would be switched off and we would discuss our days. I know I was young but I had a voice, and I wasn't afraid to speak about how fun school was and how much I had learnt. I miss the days where my brother and I would lay around for hours and just mess about. I would cry and he would hold me tight in his arms and tell me how much he loves me. The last time I heard those words come from his mouth first was when I was 8 years old. I remember the times when I was a child my dad would stand at the bottom of the 15 stair high stair case.. call out to me and I would run and jump from the top and land safely in his arms. We'd do this at least 5 times a day and cause my mother to have at least 5 heart attacks each time she saw me jump. I miss the days that my dad would stub his toe.. It would bleed and I would run down clean it up for him and put band aids on it and tell him it would be better in no time.

I miss the days my mum would stay up with me all night because I was deathly afraid of the dark. She would hold me until I'd close my eyes and I would wake in the morning with her still holding me close to her heart. I'd suffer terrible nightmares and I remember everytime before I fell asleep she would cuddle me and say "go away bad dreams.. leave my lily alone". Thank you mum.. I still repeat this everytime I go to sleep.

Andrew - I wish you never started doing drugs. I hate the fact that we lost our relationship of brother and sister to the fact that you can't control your addiction. I am not your personal boxing bag so please.. I wish you could see and congratulate me on the successful young women I have become today. Seeing you put these substances into your body and becoming the man you are definitely not completely breaks my heart. I want to see you smile like you did when we were younger. I want to hear your laugh without a drug having to produce it. I want to hear you tell me you love me, and would do anything to help my chin stay high.

Mum, when you left I was terrified. I know you're in my life.. But right now is the time I really need a mum hug.. I love you and despite our differences, you've always seen through them and accepted me for me.

I don't want to even start with you Dad. But please, stay far far away from me and my life. I tried everyday of my life to make you proud, but obviously I'm not good enough. I hope you enjoy your life without me.
Thank you for giving me the knowledge of knowing blood is not thicker then water. Family is not glue, it will not stick together.

I want to feel like I've made people proud in my life. But all I ever seem to feel like is a large failure. This day is hard. So fucking hard. But I will push through. I will accomplish the things I want to do with my life. I will stand tall and become the successful person I wish to become.
I am me. I laugh, I smile, I make my own decisions. I hate drugs, I will not try them to make you or anyone happy. I work hard but play harder. I watch cartoons in my underwear and eat milo from the tin. I can prance around like an idiot and not care what you think.
But if you hurt me. I am gone.
My eyes show the truth. I am not happy. I need change and some sort of invisibility cape.
I just want more happy family dinner. Please.

"I'd like to rip you out of your skin, I'd switch us around and put you back in"

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